The Core of Good Parenting is the Fun Stuff

A Teacher's Advice to Parents in One Short List

According to studies and  parents themselves, parenting can make you tired, overwhelmed and anxious. And no wonder. The parent zone includes marinara drizzled onto your new beige carpet, more hours in the car than in your bed and entire mountain ranges of laundry. Plus you are responsible for the health and well being of someone who means more to you than joy itself. My sense is that researchers who study parenting are finding nothing new; exhaustion, occasional (or perpetual) feelings of being overwhelmed and chronic anxiety have plagued parents since basically forever. 

But a certain type of anxiety is new. This type of anxiety drives you nuts by asking:  am-I-good-enough ?  I blame this new, contagious form of anxiety on school. Testing, rigid standards and more testing have ushered in an era of pervasive judgment that has become the new normal. A typical mom worries about whether she is doing a good job and about whether her child is doing a good job. Will a 70 percent grade on a second grade math test lead to a lifetime of poverty? Should I nag my seven year old to study or have I already nagged too much? Kids are on edge too, anxious about whether every single little thing they do is praise worthy. 

During the past 22 years while education bureaucrats with misguided theories blew billowing clouds of anxiety across the land, I taught in a small, independent school outside of this worry cloud. The school is not one of those fancy private schools with high tuition. It is free from high stakes testing and rigid external standards. Student feedback is not given via grades and training students to work for rewards is avoided. Instead the focus is on engagement in a wide range of activities which include, in addition to the usual academic subjects, knitting, playing musical instruments and gardening.  Teaching is done through the telling of amazing stories including those from history that capture the students' imaginations. Anxiety is replaced with a sense of wonder and a feeling of gratitude. All of this enlivens the teachers and brings happiness to the children. A similar approach can work for you as a parent as you explore the idea that the core of good parenting (like good teaching) is the fun stuff.  To learn more: waldorfschoolofcapecod.org.

1. Share activities and hobbies that you and your child enjoy doing together. 

Consider walking in the woods, baking, model rocket building, gardening, knitting, biking, stamp collecting, playing board games, sewing, camping, crafting or simply throwing a ball back and forth in the yard. Don’t make it a chore. Pick pastimes that you love. The ideal constellation of activities will include those you and your child both relish, that involve planning, cooperation, conversation, coordinated action and full engagement. When children work, play, cook and eat alongside parents, they learn that adults are on their side. They discover that participation for its own sake is joyous. If you can keep competition and worry about achievement out of it, they become self-motivated. They learn to listen, to take turns, to focus on doing the right thing at the right time. As a teacher I have learned that engagement is 90 percent of success in school and in life. When you enjoy judgment-free activities with your child, you teach engagement. 

2.  Share stories 

You already know that reading a bedtime story is a sacred ritual, but do you know it is just as important to tell stories, both those you invent and true stories from your own life?  Young children are thrilled by an ongoing story about a talking pirate cat, a time traveling mouse or a telepathic elephant that you create especially for them. But, the easiest stories to tell are those from your own life. Once you start telling these true stories, your kids will ask for them again and again. Tell about that time you were the child who created the marinara art on the new carpet, the tale of how you met your spouse, a narrative about how you overcame a fear or dealt with failure. Your child will come to know you deeply through these stories and you will enjoy the telling. Keep reading too. Find books you enjoy sharing with your child and don't get stuck in picture books. Start reading easy chapter books to your child by kindergarten so that she learns to develop pictures in her own mind. This ability to create these inner images is vital for every academic subject and for a future in so many occupations including inventor, artist, engineer, writer or parent.  

3.  Share the best of yourself by taking time to nurture yourself. 

Start by replacing anxiety with the power of gratitude. The following exercise in thankfulness is, surprisingly, the epitome of self care. Simply find five minutes a day to reflect on your gratitude for your child or another loved one. Bring an image of that person (or pet) into your mind and feel grateful. Stick with that feeling. You will be surprised by the inner peace that floods your being. This works best in a hot bath or by the fire with a glass of wine. Studies (which, to be completely honest, did not include the bath, the fire or the wine) show that this daily practice will improve your immune system, create a more coherent nervous system and increase your happiness. 

more about self-motivation here:
https://childrengrowing.com/2014/12/02/five-reasons-to-think-twice-before-praising-your-child-and-five-ideas-for-what-to-do-instead/

more about gratitude here:
http://www.jasmuheen.com/2013/11/heartmath-institute-research-on-gratitude/    

Kim Allsup is a teacher who shepherded four groups of students for multiple years.  Her first group is now in their early 30s. She writes about their grade one through six journey in her memoir A Gift of Wonder (to be published next year.) She teaches at The Waldorf School of Cape Cod and blogs at Growing Children (childrengrowing.com)  (https://www.facebook.com/growingchildren/)

There Was Never A Question

by Anita Beinikis, Waldorf Parent since 2007

There never was a question.  My child would go to The Waldorf School of Cape Cod.  It made no matter that I didn’t actually have a child yet; it would be a few years before that came to pass.  On a cold November Saturday, I found myself in the middle of a loud, colorful school teeming with happy children.  Banners, beeswax and blocks emphasized the tactile environment in which they were immersed.  Adults were laughing and everyone was caught up in the spirit of the season.  Hallways spilled over with enthusiasm as well as bulky coats and hats leftover from outside play.  Classrooms were full of both seasonal and traditional Waldorf color and flair. I was enchanted. One afternoon spent at the school’s annual holiday fair awoke in me the realization that a school could be a place where there was joy in learning.  I brought home a brochure outlining the school’s curriculum, read it closely, and vowed that any child of mine would find her way to the Waldorf School.  

That was more years ago than I care to remember.  The child-yet-to-be is now my 7th grade daughter. She is nearly at the end of her years at the Waldorf School; which both excites and overwhelms me.  This impending milestone provides me with the opportunity to reflect on how that initial exposure to the Waldorf School spurred what would soon be a decade long immersion in Waldorf education for my daughter.

I think the question “Why did I choose a Waldorf education for my girl?” should really be “Why do I continue to choose Waldorf for her?” After all, we live in an area with a solid public school system and the opportunity to choose from several good private middle schools.  We are surrounded by an abundance of academic riches.  I admit it; when I am asked by friends if I will continue to enroll her now that she is in 7th grade, a time when many families start thinking about preparing for high school and beyond, I struggle to share what I know in my heart about this place and all it has provided both my daughter and me as her parent.

My girl is surrounded daily by literature, numbers, languages, sciences, hand work and music, all of which create a rich environment that has fostered her love of reading and quest for knowledge.  At present math and Latin are her favorite subjects.  Learning through a developmentally-appropriate curriculum has allowed her to meet challenges when she is ready, forging ahead on her own when she is eager to try more complex material.  The result is a confident young woman who never doubts that she can do what she needs to do.  Beyond her school work she has absorbed the lesson of what it takes to be a thoughtful, kind, collaborative member of her community.  She does not learn by memorization and repetition.  Instead she is a problem solver, ready to step up and participate in all that awaits her.  This is the child I am privileged to call mine and offer to the world as part of the next generation of creative thinkers and doers who believe that anything and everything is possible.  This is why she continues to attend The Waldorf School.  This girl will be, and already is, a young woman of substance.

A Story of Courage and Compassion

by Gary Cannon, Administrator
Waldorf School of Cape Cod

In keeping with the holiday season, I'd like to recount one of my favorite memories of courage and compassion exhibited by Waldorf students.  It took place at another Waldorf school, but it could have just as easily been at our school or any other, for that matter. The occasion was a 5th grade Greek Olympiad, similar to the ones held at Lexington Waldorf.

As is the practice, students from the various schools were co-mingled into the five different city-states. There was a boy from one of the schools who was physically disabled. He could walk and run to some degree, but with a significant degree of difficulty and awkwardness.

As the students in their city-states were lined up around a sizable track for a relay race, I wondered what the judges of the event were going to do about this boy. The answer was nothing. He lined up last as the final runner and was treated exactly as all the other students. I thought to myself, "Hmm, this is going to be interesting." With my public school background, I was concerned that this boy, clearly not able to run as fast, was going to be teased or taunted for losing ground for his city-state.  

Well, the race played out exactly as it was scripted. The boy's city-state had a significant lead when the final baton was passed to him which was eventually lost. However, what transpired surprised and touched me deeply. Whatever this boy lacked in leg, he made up in heart.   As soon as he started his run around the track, the students across all city-states went nuts! The cheers, even as this boy lost ground, were deafening. When he arrived at the finish line well behind the other runners, you would have thought he had won the a real Olympics. Kids were cheering and jumping on him. It was a remarkable moment, second only to one I witnessed a bit later in the day.

During the closing awards ceremony when laurel wreaths were presented to the students for grace (form and beauty) and truth (winners of the events). The judges decided ahead of time to award this boy, who gave everything his all, a special laurel wreath for his heart and enthusiasm. When this was announced and the boy came up, the students rose to their feet and didn't stop cheering and clapping until well after the laurel was presented. Everyone was touched by the grace, courage and compassion witnessed that day.

As we head into this holiday season I wish you and your families all the joy and beauty contained in this cherished memory of Waldorf education in action.