The Best Thing You Can Do for Your Middle School Child During Times of Uncertainty

by Kristen Henley-Hills, Movement Teacher

This strange, utterly singular experience of closed schools, social distancing, and consequent family togetherness for all things is presenting unique opportunities.  While we can all probably bring to the front anxieties about what this means for the future both for the macro and our individual families, let’s practice a form of emotional distancing from these worries in front of our children!

By this I mean that we need to strive to leave our fears and adult worries at the door when we greet our young people and work with them.  What they need most right now is a sense of security and an assurance that the adults in their lives are hopeful and taking care of things.  Am I suggesting that you fake it in front of them? In a sense, yes.  

Even before this crisis, children born after 9/11 have experienced unprecedented anxiety.  It seems to be in the air. Our world is changeable and fast-paced. But, the hope here is that these wonderful children are born into this time ready to take on the challenges of the world.  While they are developing, we need to protect and guard them while they get their “feet under them.” It’s not a very popular idea not to tell your children everything that is going on and what you are feeling, but I would argue that this is exactly what they need.

As an example, I have a niece who was informed of every aspect of this virus while still in school.  Consequently, she came home hysterical, sure that her grandmother was going to die because she is over 70.  This illustrates how a very “smart” child -- and she is! -- processes adult information emotionally.

Children between 7 and 14 are experiencing life largely through their emotional lives, not their intellectual ones.  So, while they are highly intelligent and can hear and repeat vast quantities of detailed material, they experience this information through their hearts.  And their human experience. A child, even one approaching middle school age, does not have the life experience to extrapolate scary information and absorb it in a healthy way.

In fact, the children in our class 4,5,6 are especially prone to anxiety as they are maturing towards their teen years.  It is particularly important to assuage worries that can settle in as anxiety and depression later. As parents and teachers, we can fortify their emotional strength by providing a model of calm and assurance.

Consider practicing modified answers to their questions ahead of time so that you don’t find yourself in the moment telling them more than is healthy for them to hear.  One can be honest without overloading. Assuring statements such as “The government and communities are taking this seriously and moving quickly to keep everyone safe and take care of this,”  are better than statistical information about how the virus spreads and where it is. You will, of course, find your own words and balance point on this, but be intentional.

At first, you may find your bright little lawyers insisting on more detail, but do try to observe the distance between their quick minds and their emotional maturity.  If you are prepared with only what you are going to say and stick to it with confidence and optimism, you will be pleasantly surprised by how this will bring calm to your children.

Avoid exposing them to the news, either digital, print, or audio, and stick to a rhythm to give form to their days -- and to yours.  These times afford a unique opportunity to be leaders in our families in a way that most of us haven’t been before. This can be a powerful time for good!

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What if You Didn't Always Answer your Child's Questions?

"Mom, what makes the car go?" she said.

In response, "Hmm... I wonder. What do you think?"

Some questions are an opportunity to encourage your child to put out some effort into thinking. There is often much to be gained from giving the question back to the child instead of giving them an answer.

Here are seven reasons you might decide to not answer the next question that comes your way.

You want your child to be a creative thinker and a problem solver.

Here is a conversation with a three-year-old. The child asked,

“How do you build your own house?”

I could start with a description of logging, wood milling, and an explanation of how to frame a house. Instead, I responded with “what do you think?” The child answered with another question:

“How do you build the roof?” I asked,” How would you do it?”

“With bare feet” she said. I responded, “So you think you would stick to the roof and not fall off if you had bare feet? “Yes,” she said, “And I would use a special knife if I got a splinter. I had a splinter from wood before.”

When handed the question back, the child narrowed in on a challenge of roofing (falling off of a pitched roof), came up with a solution (bare feet) and realized this posed a second problem (splinters) and came up with a solution for that (special knife, presumably a jackknife with tweezers.) At this point an older child joined the conversation and said,” I think you would wear sneakers or work boots on the roof so you wouldn’t slip off and so you wouldn’t get splinters in your feet.”

For the young child, engaging in imaginative problem solving is more important than finding a realistic answer. If you listen carefully to children of many ages as they work on answering their own questions, you will find that realism increases with age.

You want your child to develop independence.

When you hand a question back to a child and then engage him in a conversation, you help him learn to answer his own questions. You also help him move on to more challenging questions. The nature of independent thinking is asking and answering our own questions.

You want your child to learn that you will listen.

So, listen. Really listen. Don’t correct. Don’t praise. Let your child notice that you soak up what he or she has to say without judgment. Your openness encourages creativity. While the early childhood years can seem to pass slowly, one day you will blink and discover that your little one is twelve or thirteen and you will wonder how this happened so quickly. And you will hope that he or she will talk to you. If she has come to expect listening without judgment, you may be lucky enough to hear her deepest secrets and her greatest hopes.

You want your child to become a confident public speaker.

Handing a question back is a way to encourage thoughtful speaking, especially in a shy child. If your child gives you a blank stare, try to carefully nudge her into conversation. “I find that puzzling myself. Let’s both think about it for a bit and see what we can come up with.” Your encouragement to think and then explain will help your child learn to think, and speak, on her feet. The child who shares problem solving by sharing her thoughts with parents is practicing the skills needed at school for participating in class conversations.

You want your child to learn the art of conversation.

Researchers tell us that when children engage in dinnertime conversations their grades improve and their likelihood of drug use is reduced. I suspect that conversations at anytime of day will lead to similar outcomes. However, the ritual of the family dinner hour is a perfect environment for the emergence of meaningful questions. Make family dinner a priority.

You want to encourage your child to experience wonder.

Occasionally a question comes your way that is tinged with amazement. It is worth slowing down for these questions. Stop washing the dishes. Postpone bedtime. Take the time to be brought back to the wonder you experienced as a child.

You love listening to what your child has to say.

Cute, smart, compelling, creative, unexpected. You will answer thousands of questions posed by your child. But sometimes you will just smile and say, “What do you think?” Develop an ear for the questions that create an opening to wonder, problem solving or conversation. Hand these questions back and enjoy what comes next.

Written by Kim Allsup, Gardening Teacher at the Waldorf School of Cape Cod and author of the blog Growing Children and the Book, A Gift of Wonder, which includes examples of children working together to answer questions which is common in Waldorf classes

The Core of Good Parenting is the Fun Stuff

A Teacher's Advice to Parents in One Short List

According to studies and  parents themselves, parenting can make you tired, overwhelmed and anxious. And no wonder. The parent zone includes marinara drizzled onto your new beige carpet, more hours in the car than in your bed and entire mountain ranges of laundry. Plus you are responsible for the health and well being of someone who means more to you than joy itself. My sense is that researchers who study parenting are finding nothing new; exhaustion, occasional (or perpetual) feelings of being overwhelmed and chronic anxiety have plagued parents since basically forever. 

But a certain type of anxiety is new. This type of anxiety drives you nuts by asking:  am-I-good-enough ?  I blame this new, contagious form of anxiety on school. Testing, rigid standards and more testing have ushered in an era of pervasive judgment that has become the new normal. A typical mom worries about whether she is doing a good job and about whether her child is doing a good job. Will a 70 percent grade on a second grade math test lead to a lifetime of poverty? Should I nag my seven year old to study or have I already nagged too much? Kids are on edge too, anxious about whether every single little thing they do is praise worthy. 

During the past 22 years while education bureaucrats with misguided theories blew billowing clouds of anxiety across the land, I taught in a small, independent school outside of this worry cloud. The school is not one of those fancy private schools with high tuition. It is free from high stakes testing and rigid external standards. Student feedback is not given via grades and training students to work for rewards is avoided. Instead the focus is on engagement in a wide range of activities which include, in addition to the usual academic subjects, knitting, playing musical instruments and gardening.  Teaching is done through the telling of amazing stories including those from history that capture the students' imaginations. Anxiety is replaced with a sense of wonder and a feeling of gratitude. All of this enlivens the teachers and brings happiness to the children. A similar approach can work for you as a parent as you explore the idea that the core of good parenting (like good teaching) is the fun stuff.  To learn more: waldorfschoolofcapecod.org.

1. Share activities and hobbies that you and your child enjoy doing together. 

Consider walking in the woods, baking, model rocket building, gardening, knitting, biking, stamp collecting, playing board games, sewing, camping, crafting or simply throwing a ball back and forth in the yard. Don’t make it a chore. Pick pastimes that you love. The ideal constellation of activities will include those you and your child both relish, that involve planning, cooperation, conversation, coordinated action and full engagement. When children work, play, cook and eat alongside parents, they learn that adults are on their side. They discover that participation for its own sake is joyous. If you can keep competition and worry about achievement out of it, they become self-motivated. They learn to listen, to take turns, to focus on doing the right thing at the right time. As a teacher I have learned that engagement is 90 percent of success in school and in life. When you enjoy judgment-free activities with your child, you teach engagement. 

2.  Share stories 

You already know that reading a bedtime story is a sacred ritual, but do you know it is just as important to tell stories, both those you invent and true stories from your own life?  Young children are thrilled by an ongoing story about a talking pirate cat, a time traveling mouse or a telepathic elephant that you create especially for them. But, the easiest stories to tell are those from your own life. Once you start telling these true stories, your kids will ask for them again and again. Tell about that time you were the child who created the marinara art on the new carpet, the tale of how you met your spouse, a narrative about how you overcame a fear or dealt with failure. Your child will come to know you deeply through these stories and you will enjoy the telling. Keep reading too. Find books you enjoy sharing with your child and don't get stuck in picture books. Start reading easy chapter books to your child by kindergarten so that she learns to develop pictures in her own mind. This ability to create these inner images is vital for every academic subject and for a future in so many occupations including inventor, artist, engineer, writer or parent.  

3.  Share the best of yourself by taking time to nurture yourself. 

Start by replacing anxiety with the power of gratitude. The following exercise in thankfulness is, surprisingly, the epitome of self care. Simply find five minutes a day to reflect on your gratitude for your child or another loved one. Bring an image of that person (or pet) into your mind and feel grateful. Stick with that feeling. You will be surprised by the inner peace that floods your being. This works best in a hot bath or by the fire with a glass of wine. Studies (which, to be completely honest, did not include the bath, the fire or the wine) show that this daily practice will improve your immune system, create a more coherent nervous system and increase your happiness. 

more about self-motivation here:
https://childrengrowing.com/2014/12/02/five-reasons-to-think-twice-before-praising-your-child-and-five-ideas-for-what-to-do-instead/

more about gratitude here:
http://www.jasmuheen.com/2013/11/heartmath-institute-research-on-gratitude/    

Kim Allsup is a teacher who shepherded four groups of students for multiple years.  Her first group is now in their early 30s. She writes about their grade one through six journey in her memoir A Gift of Wonder (to be published next year.) She teaches at The Waldorf School of Cape Cod and blogs at Growing Children (childrengrowing.com)  (https://www.facebook.com/growingchildren/)